So… the End is Nigh
That’s right. According to horrible misinterpretations of some archaic calendar Armageddon is among us, and because I lack the ability to learn from the past when I was hording cans of green beans for Y2K and again in 2011 when I sold my car and house because Harold Camping prophesied the end of days I’m fully expecting shit to not just hit the fan, but to completely obliterate every atom that made the fan up.
So for your convenience I’ve taken some preparations and compiled them into this handy guide on how us guitarists are going to get through this oncoming rapture together.
Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean it has to end without music, and no I’m not going to suggest listening to REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” like a completely predictable tool. No. We’re talking about an event that involves the entire planet crumbling. There is only one style of music that can properly accompany this.
Of course there is elbow room to permit black metal or extreme metal, but I’m writing this guide so death metal has been canonized as the go to choice. Let’s face it. Computers aren’t going to be reliable for long and power outages are inevitable so that means we’re going to be sent back into the technological stone age. Back when CD players dominated the industry.
That’s why I’ve been spending my last three months worth of paychecks on AA batteries. How else am I going to listen to the intense chugging as the atmosphere burns up and my head literally explodes while the earth fissures under my feet and I plummet while headbanging my entrails to the planet’s core. It’ll be like something out of a Dethklok video. It will be the most metal moment in existence.
Basic Survival Techniques
Ok, so now we know what we’re going to be listening to, but how are we going to make it from day to day? Don’t worry. I’ve played a lot of Metal Gear Solid 3, so I know a thing or two about surviving in the wild. According to MGS3 we can safely eat any animal we find raw and mushrooms will recharge our batteries. Personally I hate mushrooms so that’s why I have all these batteries.
Now eating raw animal meat and mushrooms sounds like a jolly good time, but we need to be able to catch the animals. That’s why we have to fashion our guitars into bows. It’s quite simple.
First you take a cylindrical wooden rod. If the trees haven’t all burned up then you should be able to use some sticks. Then you attach some guitar picks to the end for arrow heads. If you play a finger picking style then I’m afraid you’re going to have to use your fingers as arrow heads. I’m sorry. It’s the only way. So you’ll want to get something like a Swiss Army Knife to dismember your digits.
Once you’ve fashioned your arrows you can use use your guitar strings to fire them. If your would be prey or a drifter you’re trying to mug gets in too close you can take the guitar by the neck and use it as a bludgeoning device. If you need tips on how to smash things with a guitar consult videos of Pete Townshend and Yngwie Malmsteen.
I recommend bolt-on necks for this because they tend to be more durable. Set neck guitars like SGs tend to have weaker neck joints and just won’t stay in tune as long and neck-thru guitars are usually more specialty things, so you don’t want to just smash those into any old thing. Gig bags can be used as a quiver for the guitar and extra arrows or you can tie a bandana filled with cans of beans to the headstock and hold it over your shoulder like all the cool hobo drifters.
Editor’s note: The world apparently didn’t end, so you probably don’t need to heed this advice.