7 Christmas Gifts I Would Give Celebrated Guitarists

Paul Gilbert Comb

Read Time 3 Minutes

Gifts for the (famous) guitarist who has everything

It’s that time of the year everyone. Worse yet it’s the day that defines that time of year. It’s the day of all days to be jolly and give more than you get. Granted giving away stuff sounds like fun and games – I personally lack the resources or the inclination to do such so I’m going to play pretend for the moment and hypothesize on what I would give to various guitarists for Christmas were I to have said resources and inclination.

Editor: Click any image to enlarge and see what happens when The Smitchens’ imagination meets Photoshop. Really. Do it.

Satriani Space Ship
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Joe Satriani – A UFO

I’d give this dude a flying saucer or the Starship Enterprise or something like that.

I think I’d need to have some hefty funding to pull that little offering off, but hey.

Half the guy’s music is about aliens and robots anyway, so I’m sure it would go over well.

 

Paul Gilbert Comb
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Paul Gilbert – A Comb

Don’t get me wrong. I love Paul Gilbert, but I can’t be the only one that sees pictures of him and just sorta thinks he woke up from a quick power nap under a bridge.

Save for the shots of him back when he had really long hair I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a cowlick that could make any hair stylist second guess their training.

 

Steve Vai's Fan
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Steve Vai – A Fan. A Really Big One.

While I consider myself a fan I don’t think it would be an acceptable gift to offer myself to Vai. Instead I’d give him something that get his hair flying so far back so fast you wouldn’t even be able to see it move.

Of course recently he went and buzzed his hair down to the scalp so now he’d really need something industrial strength to get that brillo pad scalp blowing around again.

 

John Petrucci Muscle
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John Petrucci – Something Heavy To Lift

John Petrucci is a freaking beast who is gradually building up to take Atlas’ place holding the planet up. The picture shown is not edited in any way. John Petrucci really does lift 16 ton weights while playing guitar so whatever I get him is gonna have to be awful heavy.

Maybe I should just go ahead and give him the planet. Give Grandpa Atlas a break so he can see how a real man holds the planet up.

Hell, John Petrucci probably spins the Earth on his finger all Harlem Globetrotter style in his spare time. Whatever he gets is gonna have to be really heavy.

 

Karl Sanders Cake
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Karl Sanders – A Cake With A Stripper In It

Of All things I could give Nile guitarist Karl Sanders a cake seems just right, and that’s no lie. As pictured it would have to be something big and elegant, though. And because the best ingredient ever included in any cake ever is women I’d be sure to include one of those in there.

I mean just look at the picture. Does anything seem out of place there? Granted the woman would have to be pretty small from the thigh up, but hey. Maybe Karl’s into that.

 

Slash New Hat
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Slash – A New Hat

Slash has made quite a trademark out of the whole top hat thing, and to his credit it works. However I think there’s potential for all sorts of mischievous fun there. Like a crooked hat that fires a big boxing glove out at random and punches whomever may be nearby. Unruly fans won’t back up and give you your space? Whabaaam. Right in the kisser. Axl Rose still doesn’t know when to just let something go? Babaaaam! Have a fist full of “who cares?”

 

Jim Root Daisy Rock Guitar
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Jim Root – A Daisy Rock Guitar

Yes, yes, Slipknot’s a band that prides themselves in grim and dark imagery, and it works, sure, but who wouldn’t think it’s awesome to see any of them playing on a giant, glittery heart guitar? How many fans do you think would completely disown them just for one performance like that? I would gladly give him a Daisy Rock in hopes of finding out.

 

Merry Christmas Guitar-Muse Readers!

Ok, everyone. Enjoy this wonderful excuse of a Christmas gift to you from us. If you would be so inclined please do us a favor and have a merry Christmas/happy holiday/joyful whatever day for us. Can you do that for us? Thanks.

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Kyle Smitchens

Kyle Smitchens is the Guitar-Muse Managing Editor, super hero extraordinaire, and all around great guy. He has been playing guitar since his late teens and writing personal biographies almost as long. An appreciator of all music, his biggest influences include Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Steve Vai, Therion, and Jon Levasseur of Cryptopsy.

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