Kiss And Hello Kitty Presents: Toilet Paper

Kiss Toilet Paper

Read Time 3 Minutes

Kiss and Hello Kitty Toilet Paper

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Never thought I’d put that in writing.

This is one of those times you were can’t help but to smother your face with your palm, shake it, and just mutter to yourself “now I’ve seen everything”. Honestly I’m speechless. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve written this sentence and erased because I’m too perplexed to think of a good way to describe this… or at least a good way to describe how absurd this is.

Kiss has merged forces with Hello Kitty to make toilet paper.

The jokes have written themselves. Let’s see how many I can shamelessly traipse through.

Kiss and Hello Kitty. Which would you rather wipe your backside with? Why not both? Good start.

I’ve never had such a challenging time wrestling with words of all things. Words. They’re my clay that I mold into the sculptures that are my sentences. But you present me with Kiss Hello Kitty toilet paper and tell me it’s for real… Well even my thesaurus is stumped now.

How the Hell Did This Idea Even Surface?

That’s the part I really want to know. I mean… what demographic is this targeted to? Just how vast is the fan base of both Hello Kitty and Kiss to justify this, let alone the market that prefers this service delivered in the form of a thin tissue used to purge the remaining bodily refuse from within the nether reaches of our ass?

And who fronted the budget? Who authorized this? Who looked at all the paper work and said “not only can we make our money back from this, but we can make a cushy profit”?

And why toilet paper? Of all the products to sell the one they land on is toilet paper? If you’re going to market a new product why on Earth would you use toilet paper as the launch pad? Did the geniuses behind this have Mexican for dinner and realize the only thing in the house was a bunch of Kiss Snuggies?

Alas I can ask questions all day long, but I don’t think there are answers… nor am I certain I really care to have any answers.

Have They No Shame?

We all know that Gene Simmons has been very adventurous in how he uses the Kiss name, and I’m sure this far in he’s well aware of the criticism that has come with the territory. I remember years ago when I’d look at the silly trinkets they’d sell and think to myself “now they’ve gone too far”. The foolish thoughts of a young and inexperienced mind, I tell you.

It’s not so much that it’s any one aspect in particular. If it were just Kiss toilet paper I’d probably brush it off as Kiss being Kiss. If it were just a merging with Hello Kitty I’d call it weird, but not too absurd. They did make Kiss Mr. Potato Heads after all. But the fact that this merging venture began on toilet paper. Do you know how rare it is to find a company that’s willing to let people wipe their asses with their name? Other than toilet paper companies you don’t find many brands that are willing to dive into that dog eat dog market.

And you know what’s really sad? This will sell. I’m quite confident in that. The product wouldn’t exist if whoever fronted the budget didn’t agree. At this point it seems more evident than ever before that they just want to see how absurd they can get with their merchandising before the consumers start to notice.

It’s like a horrible nightmare and I keep expecting someone to tell me “you idiot, it’s a joke”. In fact, this far in I think I’d rather look the fool, but the more I look into this the less probable that outcome looks.  Next thing you know they’ll make a cartoon out of this.

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Kyle Smitchens

Kyle Smitchens is the Guitar-Muse Managing Editor, super hero extraordinaire, and all around great guy. He has been playing guitar since his late teens and writing personal biographies almost as long. An appreciator of all music, his biggest influences include Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Steve Vai, Therion, and Jon Levasseur of Cryptopsy.

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