The Ultimate Guitar Lesson

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This was an April fools post from 2012

In this lesson I tell you how to play a song. I show how playing guitar can lead to playing guitar. Even lead guitar. If you want to try your luck at guitar then follow these simple steps and you’ll be playing guitar before you can think of something clever to say to quote as taking longer to say than to learn to play guitar.

Lessons

Get a guitar. Before you can play a guitar you need to get a guitar. When it comes to getting a guitar you should pay extra attention to the body shape and the paint finish. The real sound and playability comes from the brand so don’t be afraid of a few extra zeroes on the end of that price tag. You’ll thank me later.

Hit the strings when you want to make a sound. That’s all there is to it. You just take a pick and hit strings. Over and over. Don’t worry if you hit too many strings. No one ever notices anything like that.

Only play right-handed guitars. There is a reason why the majority of guitars in production are right-handed. The best guitarists are always right-handed. Usually lefty guitarists don’t even bother starting because there isn’t much point. It never sounds as good and usually people only permit it because they don’t have the heart to break the truth to them.

Don’t suck. Experimentation is good. Suck is bad. Experimenting with suck is just wrong. Don’t do it.

Play against a metronome. The metronome’s purpose is to throw you off. When practicing with a metronome you should focus on what you are doing over the metronome and pretty much zone out on it. If you can do that then you can play in any situation unhindered by anything else going on. That’s a crucial skill people look for in a musician. Never getting distracted by anyone else’s playing.

Technique

The ability to apply good technique really comes from the guitar, so you will need a really expensive guitar if you want this to work. Some necks allow you to bend strings while others let you use vibrato. You can’t use both on the same guitar though. They just aren’t built to support both. If you want to use multiple techniques in one song you’ll either need a multi-neck guitar or you’ll have to switch guitars in the middle of the song.

People are pretty forgiving when the song has to stop so you can switch guitars to play one tone with vibrato then switch back. People understand the limitations to the instrument, so don’t worry about it. Just write the song how you see fit and go with it.

Slides are actually impossible on a guitar. It’s all really just an illusion. People that use slides are actually using a tool for misdirection. You see this thing in the guitarist’s hand and you can’t figure out what the Sam hell it is and you start to forget about their playing. Next thing you now the sound just sorta sounds different because you’re less focused.

Music Theory Tips

Music theory is the theory that music is relative. It may as well be called the law of music because everyone agrees with it.

Here is a video for further explanation. You will find it so helpful you will have the uncontrollable need to send me your paycheck.

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Kyle Smitchens

Kyle Smitchens is the Guitar-Muse Managing Editor, super hero extraordinaire, and all around great guy. He has been playing guitar since his late teens and writing personal biographies almost as long. An appreciator of all music, his biggest influences include Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Steve Vai, Therion, and Jon Levasseur of Cryptopsy.

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